Getting Back at a Manipulator? What Really Works

Why Getting Back at the Manipulator Feels So Appealing (But Doesn't Help You)

You might fantasize about it sometimes. Finally saying something back. Finally winning against the manipulator.

You feel anger. Powerlessness. Or a deep longing for justice.

That's not weakness. It's a normal reaction to manipulation.

And yet you often feel empty afterwards.

I'm Marga Hogenhuis-Flokstra, an integrative therapist in Purmerend, Amsterdam, and online. In my practice, I help women between 30 and 55 break through patterns and rediscover themselves. In this blog post, you'll read why retaliating feels so logical, but ultimately doesn't help. And what you can do instead.

Why “getting back” feels so logical

Manipulation takes you out of yourself. It makes you insecure about your feelings, your boundaries, your truth.

When someone repeatedly twists, diminishes, or subtly undermines you, hitting back feels like restoring balance. Finally, giving your side of the story justice.

It's like stepping onto the chessboard with renewed courage. But alas, the rules aren't fair.

The manipulator wants you to participate. To react. Because then you're drawn into his game.

You're stepping onto the manipulator's playing field. And that's exactly where he wants you.

What happens psychologically

What's Happening Beneath the Skin: The Pattern of Control

Manipulation isn't about who's right. It's about who's in control.

As soon as you say or do something back:

• Do you react instead of choosing?

• Are you driven by emotion?

• Are you losing connection with yourself?

And that costs you more than it gains. It might feel strong for a while, but in the long run, you perpetuate the pattern.

What this looks like in everyday life

You set a boundary. The other person acts as if you're being unreasonable.

You feel frustrated. You say something sharp back.

For a moment you feel relief. But then:

• Are you starting to doubt yourself?

• Do you feel guilt or shame?

• Are you getting sucked back into the game?

It's like playing chess with someone who keeps changing the rules just as you're about to win.

What does work: leaving the game

True power lies not in retaliating. But in not participating.

That means:

• Naming what you feel without defending yourself

• Stop convincing

• Indicating your boundaries, even if the other person does not acknowledge it

That feels uncomfortable. But it's the path to true strength.

You step away from the chessboard. And suddenly the game loses its meaning.

Getting started with yourself in a concrete way

Using integrative therapy, hypnotherapy and coaching, I help you to:

• Recognize when you step into the pattern

• Regulating your emotions without losing yourself

• Building self-love so you don't have to fight

• Setting clear boundaries with peace and clarity

You'll learn how to stand firm. Gentle and strong at the same time.

Reflection questions

Just think about this for a moment:

• What do I hope to feel when I retaliate?

• What do I lose about myself along the way?

• What would happen if I didn't have to prove anything?

These aren't quick questions. They open up something deeper.

Back to yourself

The real victory isn't in winning. It's in breaking free.

Not by becoming harder. But by becoming clearer.

And that takes practice. And sometimes guidance.

Do you feel like you keep getting stuck in the same dynamics?

Do you find yourself falling into the same pattern over and over again? You see what's happening, but find it hard to break free?

You can schedule an online session right away , where we'll explore together what helps you stay grounded. You don't have to do it alone. Book an online session now, where we'll explore together what helps you truly break free from the pattern and return to yourself.

Frequently Asked Questions about Dealing with Manipulation

1. Should I always remain silent when someone manipulates me? No, it's about learning to respond with calmness and choice. Not impulsively or needing to prove myself.

2. What if I'm not sure if it's manipulation? Doubt is already a warning sign. In therapy, you can learn to strengthen your inner compass.

3. How do I know if I'm also manipulating? Awareness is the first step. We'll look at your patterns honestly and gently together.

About Marga Hogenhuis-Flokstra

I'm Marga Hogenhuis-Flokstra, an integrative therapist in Purmerend, Amsterdam, and online. I coach women between 30 and 55 who want to rediscover themselves and release old patterns. My specializations include relationship patterns, childhood trauma, self-love, integrative therapy, and hypnotherapy.

Want to read more? Read my blog about Why Setting Boundaries Is Essential for Your Mental Health