Years ago, when I was sitting in my room, in the house of a friend where I was living temporarily, with debts from my first "I am starting my own business", unable to pay the rent, bad relationships and back in a permanent job of 40 hours in an advertising agency, I would never have dreamed of the life I have now. I have just turned 50 and I feel stronger and more confident than ever!
My own business was doomed to fail because I did not dare to go for it and the world was not ready for food supplements, air and water filters more than 25 years ago. I was a bit too early :-) And, of course, as a youngster, I was not ready for self-employment either! As quickly as it came, it disappeared again. And I was left with debts and no income, so I had to find a job again. Back to square one, you might think.
My life was also a mess in terms of relationships. With one failed relationship after another. And I would save the relationship, I would put so much love in it that he would change, I would give so much love that he would choose for me... At that time I didn't know that there is a word for that, and to be honest I didn't know that until 5 years ago haha! :-) So codependency.
Now in the year 2021 I am very happily married to the most loving and charming man, we have 3 beautiful daughters and (recently) a dog. We live in a beautiful house, we enjoy life and each other to the full. We have a very nice and varied group of friends and a lot of lovely family with whom we often meet and do fun things.
How did I change course, you might ask... My life started to change after reading a book. Yes, a book. A book that made me realise what I was doing, why I was doing it, how I was doing it, when I was doing it and what I could do about it. If you recognise my story then my tip would be to read this book! I read the book in English, but of course you can read the Dutch translation just fine. This book was the start of another new life for me.
Don't know what codependancy is? This is what Wikipedia says about it?
"Codependency is a term promoted by proponents of the twelve-step programme for a mental illness that occurs in people who often grew up in dysfunctional families, where they were in some way inadequately supported in their basic healthy conditions and needs.
Often there is a background of neglect, mistreatment or abuse. In some cases, there has been a history of addiction within the family.
Codependency is a condition in which adult men and women find it difficult to
developing healthy self-esteem;
Maintaining healthy boundaries;
coping with learning, making mistakes, developing in a functional way;
taking care of their own adult needs;
express their own feelings and truth in a functional and appropriate way.
Someone with codependency problems can sometimes show too much, and often inappropriate, concern for the problems of others, not necessarily in the context of an addiction. A codependent person is sometimes distressed by a tendency to want to change themselves or feel ashamed of their own thoughts or feelings when these conflict with the problems of another.
A codependent person can sometimes appear extremely insecure and unstable, but also very controlled and rigid. The symptoms can vary from having low self-esteem and making oneself pleasurably over-dependent on what others want and think, to saying that one needs nothing and no one. A codependent's home may be clean and tidy to the millimetre, with every item in a precise place, or it may be overtly chaotic.
Codependents are often pleasers, givers at their best. Almost everything a codependent does is about pleasing others.
The codependent has often been raised by a narcissistic parent who made great demands on the child with regard to behaviour and expressions. The child was not given the opportunity to develop freely and everything had to be as the narcissistic parent wanted it to be.
You can also see it as a very expensive school :-)
And if I can do it, you can do it too! I am not extra smart or special. I am not different from others. I didn't go to a special school and I didn't even finish high school. The only thing I do have is the confidence that it will all work out and the perseverance to turn something negative into something positive.
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Do you recognise this? Do you want to talk about it? Then send me a message or call me!
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